New 'Universal Language' for all countries?
As the Internet, global economy, outsourcing and the universal economic downturn continue to impact the planet, brace yourself for "stage 2" of the coming New World Order — a universal language!
Plans — some call them sinister — are underway to implement a "universal language" every citizen from every country around the globe will be required to learn.

Proponents of the plan say it'll greatly unify the world and further the cause of world peace, while opponents say it's just another, more convenient means of control and enablement, allowing feudalistic businessmen to communicate with — and therefore command — armies of cheap laborers acquired from any country on Earth.

"Let's face it, the world is already bound together — via computers," said one expert. "Computers all speak the same language — it's time 'people' caught up."

One major hangup to the universal language movement was recently resolved when it was decided to invent a "whole new language from top-to-bottom," said one insider. "Originally, Chinese was the front-runner," he said, "English had fallen to a distant third, even behind Swahili."

A "veritable army" of expert linguists are reportedly working on a new alphabet. "We originally had established a three-person committee to do this," she said, "then we discovered their 'completed language' was taken from the Klingon dictionary."


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Obama is a Space Alien!

ARTIST'S conception of President Barack Obama, as he looked prior to landing on Earth — in his home planet's uniform and pointed ears.


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Washington, D.C. — There's an out-of-this-world reason why the President refuses to release his birth certificate — that's because Barack Obama came here from another planet, claims a top researcher.

The expert declined to reveal "which planet" the President originated from, however he added a corollary: Space Alien Obama probably arrived from some point into the future.

"It all makes perfect sense — now," intoned the expert. "They recently released a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still, based on the 1950s classic featuring an alien visitor, a 'Mr. Carpenter,' who journeyed to warn Earth of a pending calamity — and the President himself could have requested this remake. It sucked, but that may be because they probably had to get it done fast."

"It was the message — that Earth is 'trying the patience' of the intergalactic community — that counted," he said.

"Earth is problematic," he said. "The last thing that, let's say, Saturn inhabitants want, is an Al Qaida-hijacked shuttle plowing into their rings, or some fat cat banker driving up their real estate prices. Hey, even second-hand smoke could be polluting their atmosphere."

The "highly-ranked" insider refused to reveal his identity for publication, however his revelation is apparently causing ripples throughout the nation's capital.

"My staff and I have been looking into the President's origins for some time," he said. "After months of dead ends, we studied his ears and found our 'smoking guns.' There's evidence they've been modified."

"Everyone knows the Earth's supposed to end in 2012," the expert added. "The History Channel said it, the Mayans said it — even Leonardo DaVinci. As in the movie, I suspect Obama's here as a present day 'Mr. Carpenter,' to try to save us from his militant space alien buddies. To do that, he had to ascend into the ultimate position of power. Illinois was probably deemed the easiest place to 'rise up in the ranks quickly,' " he added.

"As we all know, those farmers are suckers for pretty faces."
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