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Save the Western Economic System — Legalize Polygamy and Put That Extra Wife to Work!
They once promised "a chicken in every pot" and "a car in every garage," but we may soon be hearing "two wives for every man" if Congress takes up economic experts' latest advice!
As American households continue to cave to the ongoing monstrous economic meltdown, some believe it's time to expand on the individual family's income streams — by legalizing polygamy! For the uninformed, this means "allowing a man to have more than one wife at the same time."
Terming polygamy "a social reform long overdue," economic scholars point to the 70's when two-income households became tantamount to making ends meet. "You don't think the women's rights movement came out of nowhere, do you?" reveals one. "Secret economic powers had to get women's wages up there so wives could help keep families afloat during the 70's double-digit inflation spree."
Easy credit and burgeoning credit card availability kept folks happy in the 80s and 90s," he said, "but all that has since maxed out. Studies say it now requires a triple-income household to get by."
With 90 percent of America's workforce ensconced within the service industry after outsourcing sent factories overseas, wages aren't expected to rise anytime soon — if ever. Extra income from a family's children has been ruled out as a solution. "We need our young people to leave that nest, go out and multiply, buy a home — and create soldiers," said the expert, who declined to be identified for this report.
"Active polygamy creates a larger family unit in good legal standing, and most importantly — more potential income that will serve to diminish foreclosure rates and help spend up the economy," he said. When queried as to moral and ethical considerations over such a taboo measure, he responded with "look, 'God' is obsolete...nobody gives a d*mn anymore about that 'holier-than-thou' crap. He's been kicked out of the country anyway, because there just ain't enough room for both unbridled capitalism and that 'be kind to the least of your brother' BS."
"Besides, who needs one all-powerful being when you got thousands of all-powerful nukes?" he added. "And if you want to believe in a'Heaven,' put two gals with every guy — now THAT'S what I'd call 'Heaven!'"
Sociologists say an added benefit to legalized polygamy resides in the potential image rehabilitation of character-challenged politicians like Bill Clinton, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. "These folks will be able to have their cake, eat it too and run for office minus all the righteous BS distraction," said one.
When asked if women would be allowed to have more than one husband, the expert declined coment, though he did reveal Congressmen are eagerly lining up on both sides of the aisle to sponsor a polygamy-legalization bill. "With extra wives fattening up household incomes, we'll all soon be singing "Happy Days Are Here Again," he said.
"We know various sects, religions, tribes and countries practiced polygamy for centuries," added another source. "It's high time America caught up with the ways of the world."
Stay tuned to IUDEXonline for more details.
Bazillionaire JP Fatcat Blames '99 Percenters' For America's Fall: 'It's All Your Fault!'
 Bazillionaire JP Fatcat |
NEW YORK CITY — Bazillionaire big bucks bankster and champion of the upperdog JP Fatcat says everything was right with America until riff-raff screwed things up. Following is his first column written exclusively for iudexonline, and transcribed via dictation — just as he says it.
Why is everyone protestin'? 'Cause most folks ain't got what it takes! The name of the game is capitalism, and anyone who's played Monopoly knows what that is. Ya gotta be first on the block, smart with your money and ruthless as hell. Most of you ain't, and since when is it MY fault you ants ain't one of us? God invented ain'ts — er — ants, on purpose!
Remember those math nerds you picked on in school? Now we own ya! While you were playin' hooky, I was runnin' numbers. As you were bein' sucked in by TV commercials and spendin' like there's no tomorrow, I was savin' up and investin'. As you were partyin', I was politickin'. You studied pop music charts while I was readin' pie charts. (Ed. note: JP does have a point here.)
And while you were doin' something futureless like factory work, I was masterin' the art of money. Just call me a "money scientist," yuk yuk. As one Wall Street bud of mine recently said, "at least that's one thing America still does right."
After all, we sent our factories overseas, since y'all wanted too much in wages to finance your fun. Greedy b------s! Yeah, I know this was our country, and we're all supposedly in this together . . . I scratch yer back, you scratch mine . . . BUT, countries have gone obsolete, folks. It's a new world order — you kiss my butt, and I'll kick yours!
If you used yer head like I did, you'd be sitting pretty and letting Chinese laborers do the grunt work. And there's all kinds of ways! What stopped you from jumpin' into the stock market like me? Ignorance, (that, and bein' broke)! In a future column I'll explain "nekkid short-selling" to you, cuz I bet you think it's selling stuff to midgets without yer clothes on, yuk yuk. Too busy makin' babies. (a good thing, actually . . . future customers — and soldiers — for me!)
Corporate money corruptin' elections? That's only as good as far as it goes. Folks forgit that superpac money is spent on one thing . . . YOU. Not my fault you can't tell the diff'rence 'tween special interest propaganda and real truth — what's left of it, that is. But hey, I pamper politicians while you ogle Kim Kardashian — and create my own truth.
After all, I'm the one talking to the pols . . . you TV addicts sure as hell ain't. And I'll bet more of you voted in the last American Idol contest than in the last general election. Hope your choices won . . . mine sure did! The best money can buy, yuk yuk.
Speakin' of money, I've got lots of it, folks, and I'm proud of it! That came none too easy — I had to work perty hard polishing daddy's limo before he put me through college."George Washington" has finally become King, as the almighty buck rules! In closing, I say, "Don't ask what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your company." And to you iudex online folks, git them d*mned J Phineas Fatcat cartoons off this site before I sic SOPA on you! Until next week, "buy-buy!"
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DON'T BE an "American Idle"
The "Occupy Wall Street" movement represents "class acts," not "class warfare." Turn off that TV set and join them. They — and we all — are the "99 percent," and their struggle to spotlight financial sheninigans detrimental to us wrought by the powers that be is of utmost importance. This is not about "getting everything FREE." This is about "making America FREE again." Just sayin.
Occupy Wall Street: The Movement
Updated 10-26-11
The "Occupy" movements springing up across the country could -- and should -- represent a long-needed change of direction for this country, i.e. "up" instead of "down." It's about time "conscience" was reinjected into the equation, and it would be great to again see America as the red, white and blue, as compared to red states vs blue states.
After watching the OWS movement evolve over the past month, I have some concerns, observations -- and suggestions.
ORGANIZATION: It's easy for younger people to chime together and operate from a level playing field. It "ain't" so easy for established people who've grown in their careers, with talents developed along specific lines, to do likewise. We know that to function as a true democracy-type group means we'd be tempered by a living mass of mediocrity. In short, us oldsters know idiots when we see 'em, and we will not abide by them.
GOALS: It's interesting to see "movements" take root, sprout leaves, branches and whatnot, but we're still guessing as to its fruit. Some of us know that, as shown with the Venus Flytrap in "Little Shop of Horrors," the end result might not quite be what we had in mind, but by then it's too late.
You say you want a "revolution?" While such a catastrophic event reads cool in books, think: Can you imagine our country embroiled in an all-out violent struggle? Your life would not be worth two cents, and you'd be living 24 hours a day inside barricaded fortresses, armed to the teeth for protection not only against the "other side," but against looters and opportunists looking to grab your "stuff," or worse. The American Civil War was a terrible -- and terrifying -- conflict, something none of us ever want to experience in our lifetime. Perhaps the "Arab Spring" inspired this movement, but let's not lose sight of one major fact: We are NOT Tunisia.
One thing in dire need of immediate remedy is the "disconnect" which seems to exist between elected officials and America as a whole. We continually hear how the government is confounded at the stubborn refusal of the Great Recession to go away. I invite any major Congressman or Senator, Democrat or Republican, to spend a week with me (or any normal family), and you'll gain a whole new perspective as to why this recession will not only NOT go away, but will just get worse.
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--Dick Kulpa
Related link: Bailout Cartoon
Here's a GREAT Way to Stimulate the Economy: Make Wall Street Pay Us Back
Those Wall Street hooligans who cost millions of middle class homeowners half their nest egg owe those homeowners, and more than just an "oops." WE think a massive one time payout by all giant firms involved to all those millions of robbed people just might re-stimulate the economy. How 'bout it?
CLARIFICATION: 'Taxing the Rich' Just to Do It is NOT the Point
Picture a ship on fire.
All hands on deck — passengers and crew — are frantically pouring little buckets of water on the blaze. Meanwhile, the man with the biggest hose sits snoozing in the luxury lounge, exempt from the ship-saving effort.
What's wrong with this picture?
America is in lots of financial trouble, and we can ill-afford excusing any class — particularly those with the greatest means — from a nationwide "must-do" effort to save this union. Yes, they provide jobs, however, we provided the customer base all along.
With the middle class already gutted by the sub-prime crisis, there is little choice. It's time we stopped pretending there is. THAT'S sending the wrong message.
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STATEMENT: There is no "political agenda" at iudexonline. We are neither pro nor anti-Obama, Bush, Democrat or Republican. We stand for logic and sanity, two commodities in seemingly short supply these days.
Editor's Note: Indian, Philippino and Chinese scribes are not utilized nor outsourced to by IUDEXonline, which is 100% American-produced. Typoes and various other grammatically-incorrect sentences occasionally posted on IUDEXonline are generally intentional, so as to reflect current trends prevalent among major news organization websites accessed via cellphone.
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