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WASHINGTON — In what may be one of the most incredible revelations since the dawn of time, government sources are privately confirming rumors of an actual working "time machine!"

This top secret device is said to be not only operational, but in working use by the U.S. military in Iraq.
The machine, or actually, a series of machines and computers networked together, reportedly span 12 square miles on a top secret U.S. military base, and is said to be able to send time travelers, i.e. "Portalnauts" up to 60 seconds back in time.

The President's office has categorically denied the reports, and no White House official would respond to reporters' questions. However, bluepriints of an unnamed device circulated on the Internet last week, and astonished scientists who viewed the schematics recognized what they termed as time travel elements within the plan.

"A time machine would enable us to reverse things, like a bomb blast", said one expert, who declined to be identified.

Most scientists dispute the existence of any such machine due to the immense

Time Traveler from 2025 Issues Dire Warning!

quantities of both dollars and fuel supplies required to operate such a world-changing device. But recent reports of fuel imports actually flowing into Iraq — a country with its own immense oil reserves — are generating more controversy — and possibly more verification — as to its existence.

As one insider pointed out, "it's not what's happened — but what HASN'T happened, that should intrigue you."

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'Bring Back Debtors' Prisons'
As consternation grows over rising unemployment, bankruptcies and foreclosures fueled by the ongoing Depression, an even bigger fear is emerging: Who's paying the bills?

"We're seeing lots more homeless people — as well as unemployed folks — wandering the streets," said a financial expert who declined to be identified.

"Obviously, some major financial institution is stacking up past due bills for many of these folks, and that needs to be addressed."

"The time has come for a return to 'debtors' prisons,'" he stated. "The way I see it, we should establish mini 'city-camps' around the country, throw all the hopeless deadbeats into them where they can work off their debts at minimum wage until they're paid in full. We'd build such a huge labor pool of talent and expertise that major companies would flock to us in droves looking for cheaper labor!

"Call it a 'mini-purgatory', he added, "it's better than living in bill-collection Hell!"

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Immigration On The Rise Worldwide

America isn't the only country dealing with an influx of immigrants, both legal and illegal. South America, Europe and Asia are all reporting upswings in immigration. The problem is, many of these immigrants are unemployed Americans fleeing the United States, looking for work with companies outsourced to by American firms!

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First Extraterrestrial Baby Born in the U.S.
It's a girl!
A 12-lb, 2-oz. cat-eyed, green-tinged space alien baby was delivered at a secret military hospital on the East Coast, sources say, after an alien space ship requested an emergency landing and assistance.
Baby "Alienna" becomes the first space alien infant born on American soil.
Two other extraterrestrial infants were previously born abroad, a boy in Asia (1979), and one of undetermined sex in Antarctica (2001.)

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IUDEXonline website designed, written and illustrated by Dick Kulpa, acknowledged designer of Bat Boy during his 15-year stint at Weekly World News, Dick is no longer associated with that operation. Prior to his WWN tenure, Kulpa also raised lots of cain as a political cartoonist, so anything can happen with this satire practitioner. Stay tuned to IUDEXonline!
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