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Cash-strapped Americans Using Witch Doctors for Help!

BOYNTON BEACH, FL — Down and out Americans seeking alternative, cost-effective cures are dumping conventional medicine and turning to witch doctors for relief!

"As more and more folks shed their personal health insurance through job loss, soaring costs and inadequate coverages, they're flocking to alternative remedies at epidemic proportions," says an expert.

"Shockingly, witch doctors are topping the list," she said. "As other cultures take root in the U.S., so do various aspects of those cultures, many of which originate from impovershed regions around the world. It's surprising to see this here in the 21st Century."

One unidentified witch doctor patient was more succinct. "Why pay a physician thousands of dollars to cure a cyst when you can hire a witch doctor for half a chicken?

"These guys put on a great show. Stop and think — here's this half-naked, chanting guy in a scary mask, shaking a rattle and smelling like incense — who WOULDN'T get a kick out of it?" she asked. "Throw in a bratwurst and they'll even put curses on your enemies."

Though we know of no case where a witch doctor actually cured any illness, some people swear by them. "Ever since I started using a witch doctor I've never felt better," said one woman, who declined to be identified. "He's great at chasing away evil spirits too — even my ex quit hitting me up for loans. I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since."

Not everyone agrees. "When my witch doctor prescribed that I eat my mother-in-law, I

Three Flush Themselves Down Toilet! In three unrelated incidents, distraught Americans — an unemployed laborer, a distressed CEO and a midget facing foreclosure — attempted suicide by flushing themselves down their toilets. "This scheme obviously couldn't work, I think he (the laborer) was trying to send a message," said a cop in his report. All three victims have recovered.

opted out for a second opinion," said one former patient who was seeking relief for hemhorroids.

Sources admit they fear the day when witch doctors set up "medical associations" and demand to be considered as legitimate health care providers eligible for perks like Medicare reimbursement.

"Some of this witch doctor stuff is tied in with various religions, so they may actually come to be viewed as medicinally -- and legally -- legit," said an expert. "People may see this as 'ludicrous,' but hey -- when folks lose their jobs, they're slammed with hugely expensive Cobra insurance, with no job income to cover it. Once Cobra runs out -- and if you have pre-existing medical conditions -- you're screwed. Now THAT'S 'ludicrous!'"

We're not going to judge the merits of going to witch doctors, but IUDEXonline advises that when choosing a healthcare provider, avoid saying the words "which doctor" out loud.You may find yourself in hot water.

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IUDEXonline website designed, written and illustrated by Dick Kulpa, acknowledged designer of Bat Boy during his 15-year stint at Weekly World News, Dick is no longer associated with that operation. Prior to his WWN tenure, Kulpa also raised lots of cain as a political cartoonist, so anything can happen with this satire practitioner. Stay tuned to IUDEXonline!
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